Friday, March 18, 2011

A Mistake And An Offer

My friend emailed me the other day to tell me she "somehow acquired a fetus". Of all of my friends, she is the one that I just can't imagine as a mom. She's been very vocal about the fact that she and her husband have never wanted kids and though she's a lot more put-together than she conveys, I just can't see it.

She asked me to keep it a secret, which I will (none of my friends know I have a blog and there are many other people called Lex in the world). I thought she wanted me to keep it hush-hush because they weren't going to keep it. They are crazy partiers who have little responsibility in their lives right now and I know they don't want to change their lifestyle. I was waiting for her to tell me she was going to have an abortion. 

I went out for dinner with her last night, and she told me that they are going to go through with it. I'm happy for her, but she's not. She hates being pregnant, she's scared that her life is going to change too much to deal with and she's scared - of course she's scared. Understandable. She found out on week 6, and I know for a fact she partied her face off for those six weeks, so I just hope everything is okay.

Listening to someone who talks about an unwanted pregnancy, already hating the experience, is really hard. Knowing that this baby is going to be born into a household that has major issues on the best of days is really hard. Hearing her say that she's more worried about how her cat is going to adjust than how the baby is going to be is hard. And I know things will probably change when the baby is actually here, but it's still hard.

Oddly enough, I'm not jealous, which I have felt with other friends. I feel honoured that she's only told me and trusts me with the secret. She thanked me last night for not getting too excited and not judging her for her lack of excitement. I didn't really know what to say, because the not-wanting is so foreign to me, but what do you say to someone who is going through with something that you've always wanted, and really really doesn't want it?

On another front, she and her husband offered for him to be a donor for Devon and me. For real. I was not expecting that at all, so had NO idea how to react. I didn't want to dismiss it, but I also had no idea what to say. I thanked her - and told her to thank her husband - for the offer and said, "good to know for the future".

If there is any truth to addictions being genetic, I wouldn't want to go for it. He's got mental health issues too, so my baby doesn't need double-whammy genes on both fronts. He's also just been diagnosed with a really life-changing illness, which has some genetics involved too. And, there are just so many layers around using a known donor so close... I don't think we'd ever go through with it. I've thought about other friends, but just wouldn't feel right with this one.

I asked my pregnant friend whether she would feel weird sharing genes with Devon and my child, and she said absolutely not. It's incredibly generous that they are so willing, and I don't want to dismiss the offer, it's just not something I've run into before. What the hell do you say to say "thank you for the sperm offer, but no thanks..."? And then saying, "but your baby is going to turn out amazing". So make sure you love it.


  1. I don't blame you for feeling what you're feeling one bit, or not wanting to use their 'donation.' It's a real slap in the face to see people getting accidentally pregnant with a baby they don't really want when so many others face years of infertility.

  2. Use a donor from a sperm bank over someone you know. All sorts of legal issues as well. It is indeed sad when someone gets pregnant and decides to keep the baby when they are not ready. Some do get ready while others never do.

  3. I always blame the "no thank you" on the partner thing. "We REALLY appreciate the offer and I would take you up on it in a heartbeat, but WE need to pick a donor that's important to BOTH of us." Or the "We prefer to use an unknown donor." always works too!

  4. Sounds like you handled this beautifully on all fronts! Both with your thoughts and feelings about her pregnancy and your response to the offer. Really, what more can you say?? "Good to know" or "thanks" or "we're going the anonymous route"...bottom line, it's your and Devon's choice,and it's a HUGE decision. Any reasonable person gets that. So whatever makes you feel the least awkward in the moment is the right response. (We received offers out of the woodwork when we first started out...and no one pressed the issue when we didn't bite on it initially...not even the in-laws!) :)