Just a few minutes after my post earlier today, my phone rang and went to voicemail. It was the Reproductive Psych clinic - the place where we've been talking about going to for months, and have been waiting for our referral to go through. They had a cancellation for tomorrow.
I freaked out in the best way possible; I knew my partner had a meeting this afternoon, but had no idea when it ended. Like a crazy woman, I called both her work and cell phone, and emailed both her work and personal accounts. I would've paged her too, though I was scared she would've thought something was terribly wrong. And it wasn't.
I got a hold of her about 13 minutes later - which felt like an hour - as I could no longer concentrate on whatever was going on at work. She's free and able to go (I knew she would've cancelled something had she been busy, but it's always good to check, right? ;-) and so I called them back and they confirmed the time and place. And doctor.
So, I don't usually go to www.ratemds.com, but when you type in the name of a doc and it's the first thing that pops up, you're going to click on it. I am not sure whether I am happy I did or not. There is a ridiculous number of ratings for this doctor (especially for a Canadian doctor on an American site). ALL of them, except for ONE, go into gory detail of how badly they've been treated, how much trouble it's been with this doctor, how the doctor has ruined pregnancies, pushed meds, not been empathetic in the least, and not even remembering names of patients they've had week after week.
I'm freaking out. My partner and I are basically waiting for this day, for that magic person to say "yes, you are healthy enough to carry; the benefits of pregnancy outweigh the risks of having a depressive episode". This doctor could be our god(dess). They basically give me a yes or no answer to a life-long question.
Second opinions? I know about them. And we will follow up with my own shrink who is awesome and knows what he's doing. Anyway, I totally freaked out, sent my partner the link, and both of us questioned whether it was actually worth our time.
After much deliberation, we're going. I'm shit scared. I am lucky that I have a regular psychiatrist by my side, who I trust completely, but I am shit scared that this doctor will kill a dream tomorrow. Or that we'll be treated as badly as some of those vocal patients.
I want respect from someone who knows what they're talking about. Is that too much to ask?