Okay, so I’m not a mom yet, but I want to be.
Crazy – yes. Lesbian – yes. So let’s define the latter two.
Lesbian: Easy definition. I am a woman who likes other women. In fact, I’m married to the most gorgeous and amazing woman I have ever met, and I’m incredibly lucky.
Crazy: I call myself crazy because I’ve struggled with depression for the better (worse) half of my life. Like not just your “normal” depression, but your institutionalized, heavily medicated depression. The kind where they keep you in isolation on suicide watch, and when they don’t know what to do with you anymore, they shock your brains out with way too much ECT (Electro-Convulsive Therapy).
Now before you send the social workers, hear me out - I’m better. I haven’t had a depressive episode in years. I still take medication for my mental health, but I am going to do everything I have to do to make it so I’ll be able to carry a baby safely for both mother and child, as well as my partner, who will be extremely involved in the process. (Side note: I know that I have a picture of a coffee cup on my blog template. Trust that I’ll be switching to water when the time comes)
Why don’t we adopt? Maybe we will… but before we check out that option, I have to follow through on something I feel strongly about. I have wanted a baby for as long as I remember. Like since I was three years old. I’ve wanted to carry a child in my belly. I get those crazy hormonal urges where my belly literally aches to be filled.
My greatest fear is to wake up when my eggs are old and realize I’ve missed out on the most important gift of my life. I envy those women who can roll around in the sack for 10 minutes and bam! - they’re preggers (no disrespect to you, just sayin’).
I expect I will come across some people online who may be incredibly unsupportive of what I’m setting out to do. To you, I want to say that I respect your beliefs, but I have ultimate faith in mine. For the safety of my family, I am keeping my identity hidden and comments will be moderated. That said, I am happy to be in contact with anyone who would like to share stories and experiences.
I didn’t choose to be a lesbian; I fell in love with the woman of my dreams. I also didn’t choose to be crazy, and it’s not fair that as a result of these obstacles, my dream of being a mother may be an excruciatingly difficult journey to bring to life – but a journey I want to, and have to make.
So, this blog is a place where I will be writing about my journey to become a mother: From how it affects my marriage, my health, my family, my baby’s health, my community, and the rest of my life.
And perhaps, at the end of this journey, I will be able to post a baby picture of our child.