Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Now Is The Right Time

This weekend was the first time that it’s felt as though my partner is just excited about having a baby as I am. There is a little history: We’ve been married for almost 3 years, together for 6. I was straight until my early 20s, and had numerous relationships with men (boys, really), had one relationship with a woman who I happened to be living with that I happened to get drunk with that I happened to sleep with and that I happened to end up in a year relationship with. Funny how that happens. Best thing about that relationship? We saved money by not having a need for the Lesbian U-Haul.

I guess my early 20s self thought lesbian = no children. So I think I almost mourned the fact that I’d never have kids because really… how would I? (I feel a little stupid admitting that, but it’s not like a kid in college is really thinking about saving up for a freezer full of sperm, you know?). Sooooo… I fell in love with my partner, who is a bit older than me, and we never even HAD the “kid conversation” before we made our vows and went on in our good, lesbian, non-breeding way.

And then the hormones kicked in, and this intense urge just ripped through all previous thought that carrying a child was not in my future. It’s an ache, a physical ache that hurts when it’s not filled. I can’t really explain it – I know people who have never felt anything like it (my partner included), and I know people who just know what I’m talking about when I mention it. I guess I’m wired to want a baby inside of me. Others who don’t understand that urge might not get how powerful that is.

I didn’t think my partner got it, but perhaps it was the “oh by the way I want a baby – sorry I didn’t get a chance to tell you before you signed up for a life with me” talk that threw her off. But she’s been amazing. We’ve been ridiculously honest about our feelings around the whole thing, and finally, it seems to be coming together; it seems like we’re on the same page.

She has never wanted to carry – ever. When she came out to her mom, her mom was first and foremost upset at the fact that she’d never have grandchildren. But she wouldn’t have had any anyhow had her daughter been straight.

I don’t remember exactly how it came up that I was so eager to have kids, but obviously, it threw my partner off a bit. At first there was really no response… it kind of felt like I was talking to a dead end (note to blame anything/one her end – I wouldn’t know how to respond myself). When she understood how serious I was, the questions came, the concerns came, the confusion came. How would I carry healthily? How would we do it at all? How can I be a part of this… if it’s “your” child?

This was the beginning of a long dialogue that accompanies this story, the middle and end of it I’ll write another day. For today, I’ve taken my multi-vitamin, I’m on a better eating regime, and I’m feeling good.

I just came back from a business trip, and at the airport, I saw a magnet that I had to buy. It said: “Now is the right time”.  And right now, everything is right.

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