Today is a good day. I’m at work, enjoying it (have been a bit unenamoured lately), and smiling.
I am turning 30 this week, and have apparently had some issues coming to term with this fact. All my life, I’ve wanted to be older… I kind of had to grow up fast, so I never really clicked with people my own age – I pretty much always form relationships with “older” people (and by that, I simply mean older than ME). That said, I have a group of gals from my high school – same grade – that I still get together with though, and I am close to them. They’ve seen me go through hell and back, and I’ve seen them all deal with the good and bad in life, so we’ve been good supports to each other.
There are six of us in this little group. We had our first baby about 9 months ago. He was born on the other side of Canada, so we’ve only met him once at Christmas, but they’ll be moving home soon. He is adorable. Another couple seem pretty close – and by that I mean they’ve just bought a three bedroom townhouse, looking to expand their family. Another couple will probably have a baby in the next two years. The other two are single.
I have two brothers. One of my sisters-in-law just had a baby last month; the other sister-in-law is pregnant with her fourth, due in a few months.
There are babies everywhere, and although I get pangs of jealousy (in the most non-directional sense) and a gutteral energy flow, I am so blessed to have the best nieces and nephews I could ever ask for.
Before I realized that becoming a mother was a possibility, my main objective was to be the best aunt I could ever be – to be that person who gets a call in the middle of the night from a 15-year-old niece saying “I need to sleep at your house. I’m drunk and Dad’ll kill me.” Not that I’ll endorse drinking as an adolescent, just that I know what I was like, and though I hope my nieces and nephews have good heads on their shoulders, I’m sure it’ll happen. But they learn. I did.
For now, I am going to try to relax into the aunt role. The “mom” role seems so far away right now. I have to keep in the present, and not have my full energy enlisted in an unborn child and the happenings of the future. I have to be here now. I keep having to remind myself to stay in the present – it’s hard for me, always thinking ahead. But I am blessed with the people in my life. Here. Now.
And I get to hang out with the whole gang of kiddies for my birthday.