Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Kudos to Sickies!

I've spent the last three days flat on my back... and so not in a good way.

I am so sick. Flu, sinus infection, bronchial trouble. When I do fall asleep, I wake up choking on phlegm. I have short stints where I can sit up (like now), but have to have my head down for most of the day.

No work, home alone - and I realize I don't really take care of myself. I haven't bothered to eat, because I can't be bothered to make food, or even walk to the kitchen to see what's there. Maybe because there isn't much. 

I can't imagine how moms do it - get sick like this - and still be able to look after their children. Especially those with no help, or partners. I don't remember my mom ever getting sick, but I know we never had a babysitter (until my oldest sibling was old enough (11!) to look after all of us). She must have just sucked it up around us. Figures... she's stubborn as hell, even now.

So as I'm hacking and sweating and shivering and feeling sorry for myself, I give my highest kudos to the women out there who have children to look after, who put their children first, regardless of how they feel. Who look after their children as well as themselves. It has to be a tricky balance.

My energy is so low - lower than usual. I have low energy to begin with. Even though I am not in a depressive episode, my energy has always been a problem. I am on a bunch of meds that are sedatives, and though my doctor has tried to balance me out with "uppers" in the past, I've chosen not to go through the day on a shaky buzz. I'd rather be tired. But what about when I have a child?

Do you just get this innate super energy mom thing? Do you show your kids that you're exhausted? Do you feel run down, and if so, how do you keep your children healthy and happy... even when you don't feel that yourself?

I often wonder, after weeks of work where I have trouble loving my job, whether I would even be able to look after a child. Not if I get as tired as I do. And yes, I can rely on D, but I want to be active and not that mother that are always in Victorian novels, sleeping in a bedroom away from her children while the housekeeper looks after the home and children.

I want to be on the front lines with my kids. I want to take them to 5am hockey practice or 7pm piano rehearsals. I want to be there for every minute of what they do (okay, maybe not every minute - don't want to be an overbearing mom). Basically, why would I want to be a mom if I can't be a mom that enjoys being with her kids.

I will have the energy. I need to find peace with some major stuff first (job, financial stuff), and then my mind can stop racing and I will find my mojo. 

Back to the couch I go, however not before giving a huge kudos to sick mothers who keep on keeping on! I have the highest amount of respect for you!

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